Do You Think You're Really In Love With Your Present Potential Partner?
"How do I know when I'm really in love?" asked Ruby, a client of mine. "How do I know if what I feel for Jim is actually love or only infatuation? How do I know if this feeling will last?"
Ruby and Jim were dating for 11 months and had been considering marriage. Ruby, 32, felt "head over heels" in love with Jim, but she had felt head over heels in love with Adam, as well as with Mark.
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I explained to Ruby that she may be in love from her ego, or as we call it, "her injured self". Or, she can be in love from her true Self or core Self - her essence, her soul Self.
It is true that intimacy and relationships are two completely different words. They have different meanings and present entirely different ideas.
If she's in love from her wounded self, it'll be about external things and the love will not last. But if she is in love from her soul Self, it will be about internal things, and it is very likely that the love will see her through all of the challenges that arise in relationships.
"Ruby," I asked her, "What do you love about Jim?"
"I love his walk as well as his smell. I love the way in which his eyes crinkle when he smiles, and I love his laugh. I love just being next to him. There is something about his energy - I don't quite know how to talk about it.
I really love his touch. I adore his kindness and sensitivity and his deep caring for people. Even though he would not be regarded as a handsome man, I absolutely love how he looks.
There's something about his mouth and the look in his eyes that just fills me with love. And I love the passion he has about both his work and his hobbies. I adore his playfulness. We laugh an awful lot together. "
"How is this different than what you loved about Adam or Mark?"
"I think that with both Adam and Mark I was basically blown away by their appearance - they were both hunks. Both of them were also extremely successful and very social. They took me to nice places and great vacations. Jim is not as financially prosperous nor as social, yet do I feel significantly safer with him.
I think that I also fell in love with Adam's power in the world. He actually seemed to have it together and his sense of energy turned me on. But he wasn't always nice to people or me."
"So it seems that with Adam and Mark, your wounded self was in love with their wounded selves - their more superficial qualities of appearance, income and power. But it sounds like with Jim your essence is in love with his essence.
With close to two million interracial marriages in the United States, it is apparent that individuals are not letting the variations in culture hold them back from falling deeply in love.
The traits you say you're in love with are qualities that won't go away over time, because they are soul qualities. People can definitely lose their looks and their funds, but it is unlikely that Jim will lose the qualities that you adore in him, particularly if you frequently express your appreciation for these qualities."
"So I really am in love with Jim! This really is different than my other relationships. You know, I feel I've finally grown up. The far more superficial qualities just don't seem to be so appealing to me anymore!"
Each person should dissect their dating life in this manner. If you are in a similar situation and still want additional dating advice on the subject, go to guygetsgirl.com or search: guy gets girl or guygetsgirl.
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